Sunday, July 24, 2016

When did you grow?

When did you grow?
I seem to have missed it.
A week rolled into months that rolled into years and all of a sudden I'm enrolling you for school!

As I watch you paint on your easel I'm reminded of just how much your incredible little human self is learning.
Painting people and faces, and gardens and trucks, moving onto the next game like a gypsy, like your entire world is imaginary.

You have taught me so much about your beautiful life, just as much as I have taught you.
You get so excited telling me all about recent things you have learned. And I do back because I know I've taught you.

Sometimes I wish I could just pause time. Days like today, when the day is peaceful and calm and fun. When we're cutting sandwiches into elephants and cars. When we're going for walks by the river. These days. Because in a few short months you're off to school.

I will no longer be the only one teaching your mind. I will no longer be the only person you need to learn from. You will no longer be a little boy who's too young for school. You will be my school child.

We have had the best (almost) four years at home. We have built such a strong bond. We have a box full of crafts, albums full of memories and a house full of love. I feel like we've accomplished so much.. I feel content with how much we've achieved... But now it's time for my little caterpillar to turn into a butterfly.

I can't wait to see how much you learn, to see you grow and to see the friends you make. But I will miss our days together SO much!

-Mummy xx

Friday, July 22, 2016

Life post the darkness.

Telling my story.

Something I've wanted to do for so long but have always held back.
Maybe it's still the voices that have been implanted in my mind "you deserved it" "you pushed my buttons" "I was tired".
Maybe that it's that I felt I was the bigger person by letting things go.
Maybe it's that I wanted to believe so hard that this wasn't my life.

Also, maybe I don't have the words to describe exactly how it was.

I also know that once it's out, there's no going back. People will realize that the way I  portrayed my perfect family was all a method of survival.

You would think that a police family violence order would be a wake up call.

You would think when I stopped feeling safe in my home was a wake up call.

You would think when I felt I couldn't even talk and walked on egg shells daily was a wake up call.

You would think the bruises were.

You would think the never ending abuse/sorry/abuse cycle was too...

Or the risky toxic situations I lived with everyday.

The thing with wake up calls, you have to be alive inside to feel them.

After years of this being my life I began to realize my worth. My inner self began to wake. My confidence began to know that this was not safe.
I was punished for that. The more I grew, the more I would be pushed down.

One day things had gone too far. When for the first time I actually truly feared for my life.

So why am I exposing this now?

The other side. After abuse.

Because I NEED people to know that life on the other side is so much better.
The weight on your shoulders no longer weigh you down. That you will feel entirely lighter, healthier and more free.

All those incredible emotions you only dreamed about feeling... You will live them intensely.

That you will find strength beyond anything you can imagine. You will be a soldier and ruler of your own life. You will realize your self worth and begin to love yourself deeply.

That even though you were taught that you deserved it, you will realize that you didn't.

That being alone isn't lonely, it's fulfilling. Even though it was stamped in your soul that you couldn't be alone, you will prove otherwise. And that will be the most satisfying thing you've done in your life.

That for the first time your smile will come naturally. Your eyes will smile. Your soul will smile. You will live in complete whole happiness.

It will be entirely and completely worth it.

I need you to know that no matter the level of abuse, it's not okay. No matter what.

I need you to know that you have a right to be happy.

I need you to know that you are worth so much more.

I want me to be living proof of what the other side is like.
I want to role model for other people in similar situations (women AND men) just how much you can accomplish with your freedom.

You were put on earth for a reason, and THIS isn't your reason.

To this day, it still continues. Mainly because of the strength of my life now has become a threat. There's many, many people that don't know the truth. In fact there's many, many people that believe the lies that are being fed.
But, I've turned into a beautiful diamond, that can no longer be broken, and my inner being is completely satisfied with just that.

-Harley xx

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Dear Kids, eff your tantrums!

Dear children, my beautiful brown eyed children. I love you guys, but!

Eff your tantrums.

Seriously screw them.

I'm almost POSITIVE there's other ways to show that you're an overwhelmed mess that doesn't involve draining every ounce of my happiness and goodness I could possibly Mum with. Like your tantrums are some sort of emotional parasite.

From the moment I wake up and hear the screachers from the pitts of hell to the moment I go to bed where IIIIIIII feel incredibly guilty because of YOUR all-day full-on never-fucking-ending tantrums... Seriously!
They have this way about them that can turn me from a trophy mum to losing my shit in a matter of seconds.
Maybe it's one child stomping around like he's a one man army, screaming "NOOOOO" "I DON'T WANT TOOOO" "I'M NOT BUSTING!!!" while slamming doors, back chatting and whining about every single little thing on this god damn planet.
Maybe it's because even though you're starving as if I haven't fed you at all in the entire 3 years and 8 months of your life I have absolutely NOTHING you like to eat anymore. Oh sorry! My bad, I seem to have done the fortnights entire grocery shop on all the foods you liked last week. I forgot that you change your diet more times than your one year sister chucks a tantrum.
God forbid I cut her sandwiches into triangles instead of squares, that woman is a total wreck!
She throw herself back with a complete meltdown tantrum, that only makes her look like she's a possessed turtle on her back, while wailing so bloody loud she could give a banshee a run for their money...because a crumb fell on the floor.
Then and only then you will both decide to scream bloody murder at each other. All you both have to do is look at each other. Share guys. Just fucking share. Let's start small and share some space in the same freaking room as each other. Yes Mum, I'm sorry. I know the feels now. Heck, I owe you everything. Don't worry.. I'm getting my pay back. 20 to life of it......

Add these all together and I feel like I'm forever in the middle of a witch hunt! 
Some might call you both spirited, right now, today, this week.... I have other words in mind.

Why the hell do you hate sleep so much?
I mention it's sleep time and I'm suddenly being sworn at in some freakish baby language amungst an ear piercing scream that in all honesty makes me wonder why the fuck the neighbours haven't called the police?
What happened to neighbourhood watch??
Maybe they know if anyone tried to take my kids away they would be back within five minutes with blood pouring from their ears.

Currently it's 11 fucking PM at night, I've already blown my fortnights wine budget in the last two days, and you're taking on the whole "sleep when you're dead" mantra. Except you're so effing tired you sound like you've been part of an excersism for the last five hours.
Child, didn't you know that once you go to sleep theres this instant parent love reboot thing that goes on? We need to reboot. Mummy needs to know that she loves you again. Mummy needs to remember that it's worth it. Mummy needs to see your sleeping innocent face.

So kids, eff your tantrums.

-Harley xx

Monday, July 11, 2016

Chasing Dreams.

Chasing dreams.

Something I always dreamt of but never had the ambition to fight for them. I can be completely impulsive, loud and obnoxious rolled up into a strong fightful woman, yet my ambition for dreams was never the focus of my mind. In fact, giving up before I got romately close to succeeding is something i do often.

I always felt dream empty. Hunger for more, but empty.
Instead I filled my evenings scrolling through useless shit from people i barely even say hello to on social media, pretending that it all matters in the real world. I wanted deeper but wasn't even willing to scratch a surface.

And then my path changed. I decided that there is an entire world out there and everything that I ever wanted to do was in reach.

My story isn't exactly a fairytale. In fact, there are such dark pieces of hell mixed in with my beautiful puzzle. Or possibly that's what a fairytale is. In the end? Or for now.. My story has only just begun. So here I am, a Queen.

Queen. Ruler of my own self. Ruler of my own life. Finding myself, embracing myself and being myself. 

Now I find myself chasing incredible hights that I'm not sure what mountain to climb first. What chapter do I turn to first? What path do I take. What needs to be done this week to make my goals successful.

 What dreams will I accomplish first?

I have revised my life plan and goals and filled it with so much adventure, success and plans.

I can't get there by doing nothing about them. Even in the depths of sleep deprivation I've made a decision to reach them. Today determines tomorrow's success, and I can't wait to see where that brings.

-Harley xx