Saturday, April 15, 2017

Trying to date when you're nearing your 30s.

Trying to date when you're nearing your 30s.
The most awkward, in between, stupid age to be single!

You see, I've done the wifey thing. Currently doing the mummy thing. Don't think I'll do either again.

However, men my age are either wanting a one-time-never-gonna-message-you thing OR they're totally ready NOW to settle down, make you their baby mumma and wifey! Now!! Duuudes, where were you 10 years ago?! And the whole "casual" thing doesn't mean you  never text heeeer AKA ME BACK!!!! Seeesh. (OK OK I'm not talking ALL here. I still hold hope that there's one guy left that's descent, that's not taken or gay!)

Let's talk kids. Now this is when I confuse myself. I don't want to date someone that has kids. Brady bunch isn't my thing. I don't want to date someone that doesn't have kids. Cause well, what if you want kids some day?! I don't want to even talk about kids. But I love my kids, and they're basically all I talk about. But I don't want you to be interested in my kids. But I'm gonna be really fucking offended if you don't. See this shit that's going on in my head. Ugh.

Let's talk about bodies. I'm so mummafied I look 80 compared to the child less 27 year old. I'm not just talking wrinkles here, I got me some of them too. I'm talking the sag. Yep I said it. Do you even know what it's like to be competing with woman that are in the prime of their bikini life? Yikes! My booty is about the only thing left that hasn't hit the sad sag life, and even that's borderline. It's got about another couple years in the high life, max!

I'm not putting the dating game into teeeeny tiny little fuck you boxes, tying up the boxes with pretty bows and throwing them in garbage bin, but this is seriously how it feels to be single right now. Like a whole lot of karma is laughing at me for getting my 20s & 30s confused.

Oh well, cheers to the flirty, fabulous, flumptious single almost - thirties trying to shuffle their way through the creepers or party bois (that think they're still 17!), that have to kiss a few toads, because let's face it, no matter how old you really are... You still want your prince charming.

-Harley xx

Friday, April 14, 2017

Five years ago.

Five years ago I announced that I was going to be a mumma!

I never imagined my son would be so beautiful. Have the most precious heart. Be so sweet. So loving. So passionate. So wise. My voice of reason.
I never imagined I would then have a daughter. Who was so energetic. So loving. So precious. So playful. So strong. My mini me.

I never envisioned I would be a single mum of two.

I had no idea that my life would be here 5 years later. And it's far from my "five year plan". But I wouldn't change a thing. Although right now I'm sick and absolutely exhausted and every single day I fail at this mum-life-gig
I had absolutely no idea my life would be so richly blessed with a full heart, full hands and most if the time a very full head!

How lucky am I!

-Harley xx

Sunday, April 2, 2017

A delusional fantasy.

I thought you were a good one,
You promised you were.
But it was all a screen play of your screwed up imagination.
You had no right to use me as a puppet of your fantasy land, but over everything, I had no right to believe you.

All you needed to do was say the right things and pretend you truly meant them. All you needed to do was know what I lacked in my soul and use it to your advantage.
All you needed to do was become the most savage snake, and I believed every moment of it.

I gave you my heart and I still can't get myself to believe that it was nothing. But it was. It was a figment of my imagination. It was nothing. A delusion.

Yet, I still wait around every day for your number to come up on my phone.

- Harley xx

Saturday, April 1, 2017

The something special that never was.

Once in a lifetime you meet someone.
That makes an impression so stamped in your heart that you forget what life was like without them. That captivates every ounce of your being. That draws you in and you literally feel two souls meeting.
That even though it was only a moment, only a chapter, it was one of your favorites. And you have no idea how to turn the page. How to let go. How to give up. How to stop.
A captivating noval that your soul screams to continue reading no matter what. And then there's the ending where you're overwhelmed with emotions of why.

That connection in the midst of your life that takes you to another level of wholeness. Where you couldn't see an end.
Only a moment, but the quality masks the quantity. But then, within a glimpse, the tunnel of rose coloured glasses calpses. And you doubt every ounce of your being.

Once in a lifetime you find yourself completely lost in overwhelming emotions, doubting everything around you.
Once in a lifetime you realize that magic carpet you thought was a rock, not only crumbled but drowned.

The one that got away. Because no matter what you were, are, or could be, just was not good enough. And it never will be. Youre utterly not good enough. And it eats at you, deep in the pits of every emotion you could feel, with depth so strong you don't know how to wake up from this.

Your soul yerns.
Your trust breaks.
Your eyes glass.

How do I pick up my shoulders and walk with my head held high after.
How do I ever knock down the walls that managed to be before.
How do I ever let a moment in again.
When they were everything you had yerned for and so much more.

How do you get passed when your continually asking why. The story of unfinished business.

This time the waves are crashing so hard, that I think I'll let them drown me.