A year ago I wished and prayed it would be
A year ago this was all that I imagined.
A year ago I found myself googling "how to be happy".. Googling how to be happy! I was under the impression Google could give me the answer. Frankly I was more surprised that Google didn't tell me happiness would give me cancer.
Maybe I just have depression?
Maybe I don't know how to be happy?
Maybe I can't handle two kids?
I just have to deal... This is the life I got handed! It looks pretty perfect on the outside. I had a husband, boy and girl 2.5 years apart, steady income, mortgage on a beautiful big house and my dream dog. Great friends, great support... Life was perfect on the surface. Isn't that what everyone dreams about? I was 25 and had it all... Why was I not content with it all?
Not everything is picture perfect, not everything is black and white.. The surface doesn't bring you happiness.
I made a decision. None of the surface things mattered anymore. It was the deeper pits of my soul that truly mattered.
I made a decision that sometimes people fade apart. That sometimes people don't work. That sometimes as much as you want to love each other, sometimes it's only for a time and a season.
I made a decision that at that time in my life I needed to be selfish. I had put my happiness and conteness in life aside for so long I thought mine just didn't matter anymore. At that time, I had to be selfish. Not only for my sake and sanity, for my children too.
I find myself a single mum to two beautiful tiny people. I lay my life down at the end of the day and an overwhelming contentness floods my inner being.
Such a simple but powerful thing that I didn't think I would experience.
Happiness. When I look in the mirror and smile back at myself instead of seeing the deepest and darkest cries through my very own eyes.
Happiness. When I realize that I matter. My body matters. My soul matters. My inner and outterself matters.
Happiness. When I have the strength to believe in myself.
Happiness is me, right here, everyday, in the midst of myself.
A year ago I wished I was here... A year from now I will be enternally greatful I was.